dave gilbertson

I forgot to Post that last one 8 days ago

Because I actually leave in less than 12 hours.

I don’t even know if I’m nervous or scared or what. I know I’m weak. I’m not scared or worried that something bad is going to happen, but it’s that feeling that I don’t know what is going to happen. Anything else other than this feeling though is really living in self deception. That I’m able to control the outcome. Or supply myself with the necessary needs, life, breathe to accomplish anything.

I’m typing because it’s a distraction from packing. But I should probably get back to that. 

Go USA 

Excited Nervousness

It’s 9 days until I leave for Ethiopia. I’m as excited as I’ve been and I think at the same time as nervous. I don’t know what for though. When I follow my thinking to it’s logical end/beginning the things that are causing this knot in my stomach are so small and insignificant.

I don’t know where I’ll be living when I return, I don’t know what I’ll be doing for money and really, I don’t know what I’ll be doing while in Ethiopia. There’s moments when that’s incredibly exillerating and then these briefs moments where I feel my stomach drop. I’m reminded of the peak of riding a swing. When gravity brings you back down and you’re suspended for a moment.

This is likely a fitting image to capture. I feel like over the past two years I’ve just begun to learn to rely, trust and be provided for by my God, my Father. Finances have been consistent, I’ve been blessed with a place to stay with some awesome people and aspects of what is ‘next’ for me have started to emerge, but I feel like it’s taking more trust, and further reliance for this next step.

And sometimes

when you win, it can sometimes feel like a bloody battle. Like you didn’t win at all. Other times like you didn’t even play, but rather excused yourself from the fight before the bell even rang – before the crowds came to see the bout go 12 rounds.

And it’s kind of accurate. Because when you are fortunate enough to win and experience life, it’s receiving life that’s long since been won, by no merit of your strength. For me it feels like a mixture of dumb luck and unfathomable blessing.

When I truly look at my past - years, months, hours and moments - that lead up to whatever victory or moment I’m a part of, I can’t help but realize how little it has to do with me and what I’ve done.

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Holy year later, Batman (Holy Week rendition)

I make no guarantees of writing on any sort of consistent basis. I don’t, because inevitably any time I do, within ten days I go on another year long hiatus.

Holy week. I’ve been impacted and touched by God’s glory, mercy and grace more this week than I think I have before. I’m sure I’ve said that statement before, and for that time and place it was true, just as it is today.

My birthday was last week. I was blessed with company of friends, loving community and overall just a sense of feeling loved. I was reminded yet again of God’s provision for my needs and those of other’s even when I don’t recognize that all good things come from Him the Father, my Father. 

Then I fall into sin. Walk into it, stumble into it, backslide into it. Whatever way you want to slice it I fall on my face in a manner that’s become blatant to me over the years. A way that no matter how good I think I may be doing at that given moment, when I screw up like this, I know I need to repent. I know I desperately need a savior.

Not just when I’ve been fired or broken up with. Or when I’m broke and I don’t know how to pay rent, but when I have abundance, when I receive promotion and when it’s my birthday. Also I need a savior when I’m brushing my teeth and crossing the street and the minute I wake up. I must abide always, until the end. Fruit will come as will pruning but the vine is faithful and true and it’s in the vine’s nature to produce growth. I just need to stay plugged in and look to the source of that life and give glory, praise and worship where it’s due.

I think that was an introductory paragraph?

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how nights can change on a dime

so there I am at Tasso’s in Waldo (suburb/neighborhood of Kansas City), great Greek restaurant, belly dancer, smashing plates, “OPAH’S” every chance you could get – overall a great way to spend an evening together with friends celebrating a friend’s birthday. Then it hits me.

I take a sideways glance at the jolly santa claus playing trumpet up on stage with the neil diamond lounge singer, who for the record was an amazing entertainer, and I know I know this guy. Finally my hunch is confirmed when neil introduces his white bearded partner for his kong shell solo (yes, you can’t make this up). “Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the legendary jazzbo”. I KNEW IT.

It’s effing jazzbo. Jazzbo the one man band who entertained my ex and myself at our most epic of first dates imaginable. Picture it, a one man band playing dirty limericks, cymbals between his thighs, wash board in tote, entertaining 6 people at Jazz. Two people who don’t know each other, then I almost puke oysters everywhere. Sorry, it feels and kind of tastes like a testicle on your tongue. There’s a reason they’re served with hot sauce and lemons, just saying.

So I’m out, in a festive environment, enjoying the evening with friends, not even paying mind of the fact that this is the night most couples are using to enjoy valentines day together, until of course I see, nay am yet again entertained by jazzbo. I’m not sad, it just makes me recall.

So of course, I text. And of course I don’t get any response. Then I proceed to see all the happy couples, dancing, flirting, loving each other, laughing. These people are all perfect, they’re lives are to be celebrated and I wish I had it all. So I’m feeling weak, I’m feeling lonely and I let a few of my friends know that I’m feeling lonely. Loneliness mixed with a lil bit of alcohol is never a good combo.

Luckily I didn’t follow what my instinct and habitual nature of the past would’ve been, which is get drunk, make a few people laugh, wake up next day feeling like I’m an even worse person than I did at the moment which lead me to my alcohol binge. Instead, I prayed, and talked to a few of my friends who love me and love my heart and know and love what God is doing in my life. I took a breathe and was blessed to share my heart, testimony and some truth with a couple dear friends of mine (at the bar mind you) that apparently was needed as she ended up in tears.

I love this couple dearly. They’re amazing people. And the way we parted and went our separate ways, I was so thankful that I was able to share what God has done in my life, is going to see through to completion and what He is going to do for countless people I haven’t even met or may never meet. The God I love and follow is bigger and more powerful than my feeble mind could ever possibly imagine.

This isn’t “my” God. This isn’t “my” philosophy, but I’m blessed to be loved and to get to love this God back, in my own broken imperfect way. All because of him.

So anyway, long story (long rambling, way deeper than you wanted to get at 1:49 on a Sat night) short, don’t close yourself off to the opportunities God may be placing in your life. Don’t let your expectations of how your story is to unfold cloud you from seeing the bigger picture* of what God has in store for you. You will likely end up missing the boat.

one love. it’s kinda dangerous to be an emcee. out

* – most the time you won’t see the big picture, just know that you don’t know, and submit to the bigger plan and you’ll 9/10 be in pretty good shape.

We arrived to Houston

Late last night - technically this morning possibly near 3am. We stopped to get food about an hour and a half from Houston last evening. When returning to my friend’s car and getting on our way, the check engine light came on.

My friend has barely had this car for a month after upgrading from a compact early 90’s japanese car that was anything but a gem to look at. Obviously he felt dismayed. I moved to the back seat as I felt my awakened state beginning to slip - possibly because of the five hour energy I had drank earlier in the night - it was in fact almost exactly 5 hours since it had been consumed.

From what I recall my friends were discussing the car in the front seat while I slipped in and out of uncomfortably positioned consciousness. I do know that while I was slipping I was sending up prayers. Prayers that the check engine light was nothing serious, that somehow the problem would resolve itself, that my friend’s worries be put to ease, that we make it safe to Houston and safely back home with no serious issues. The whole drive up was a 13 hour mix of heartfelt conversation, laughter, praise and documentation of the trip we were embarking upon. But when that light had come on, I couldn’t help but feel guilty.

My friend just this week was considering not going in order to save money. There were some jobs on the horizon and a job this past week had been postponed so money although not non existent, might not have been at its abundance at the exact moment we were getting ready to depart. After pressure from myself and my roommate his heart was swayed to take on the trip as we had initially discussed and he would be driving. Why exactly did we hit this bump in the road? What lesson is to be learned if any? To be honest at the moment I’m not certain, but as I write this I’m in a bedroom by myself in the house of a married couple who none of us have yet met to this point.

When I awoke this morning I began to look about the room. There’s a small (relative to a city of 30,000 people) library in this guest bedroom that has given me a glimpse into the hearts of this couple. Not only was their house unlocked and three individual rooms prepared for us when we got in at 3am, but there was a towel a washcloth and a bottled water on the bed awaiting me. I noticed a hiking backpack by the side of my bed and by glancing over the titles of the books I know that I want to meet and get to know these wonderful people. I want to be a little like them. Now back the car.

Is the car a reminder of life? The natural trials that we can expect? Is it an opportunity to either focus on the bad of life that is naturally going to come versus the blessing of this couple opening their house? I feel self righteous even typing that as it’s not my car that I purchased. I do know that I feel responsible for the check engine light coming on. And whatever I can do to help my friend I intend to see it through. I just hope and pray that this incident doesn’t malign the rest of this trip that was set out on noble, humble intentions. God is good through all.

Adoption

Just recently adoption has been on my heart and mind. Without getting too long winded it’s something I’m going to have some prayerful consideration over the next few years. Also without getting long winded or self focused, I want to shine some light on two things that have had my heart thinking in this way. 

http://louxfamilyblog.com/

A couple living in Kansas. Parents to ten, adopted 8. Derek Loux tragically passed from a car accident this Christmas.

http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

One woman raising 12 girls in Uganda. 

I simply cannot find the words to give the praise, encouragement or hope to both of these families - and now sadly - these two women who are the primary care givers to these 22 children. Their loving hearts, compassion and devotion to these children makes my heart ache. 

To say it puts things in perspective is an understatement. True love lived out in such a manner is life changing, even when merely read about online.